Chapter 5

Chapter Five: Transportation (or what happens when the author lets her self become too involved in her own novel)

Every one stared at the squirrel, unsure of exactly what had just taken place, or even if they should really believe their eyes that their magic eight ball, their only source of information, had just vanished into thin air.

“What did you do?!”  Cin exclaimed, picking up the small creature by its grayish blue tail.

“I did not do anything, honest!”  Feiskar tried to explain, waving his arms for emphasis.  “I just asked it a question and it disappeared!  Please,” there were tears in his eyes now, though whether they were real or just there to save his skin was open for debate, “You have to believe me, I did not do anything!”  He looked around at the group, only to find them looking at him skeptically.  “Really, would an old squirrel lie to you?”  He tried to make himself look as innocent as possible, though it only seemed to affect Parry.

“Are you sure that you only asked it a question?”  The blue streaked girl asked.  “You did not use any magic on it accidentally or something and now do not want to tell us about it, right?”

“He did not use magic,” Cin put in, looking hard at the squirrel, “His fur is still fading back to its natural color.  However, I do want to know if you really did just ask the thing a question.”

Nodding, the squirrel added plaintively, “All I asked was “Can you lead us where we need to go next?” and it vanished.”  The adventurers stared at him.  Absin slapped his forhead and Parry stared up at the roof of the hut, mumbling under her breath.  “What?”  The squirrel looked around rather nervously, “Did I do something wrong?”

“For an old squirrel mage, you sure are dumb,” Cin remarked in an off hand way.”

“And I suppose you know where it is?”  Feiskar quipped, folding his forepaws, thow his back ones were still splayed mid-air.

“As a matter of fact I do,” the boy answered with a wry grin.  “Its gone on ahead to the next place we are supposed to go.  In fact it aught to get there, right about…now.”

(in a dorm room somewhere in another universe)

A flash of light over head indicated that the electricity was on the fritz again.  The author looked up, just in time to be bonked in the face by a magic eight ball.

“OW!”  She grabbed at her nose, trying to see whether it was bleeding or not.  Fortunately it was not, but it still hurt really badly.

The author’s roommate glanced up from her studies on the other side of the room.  “What happened?”  She asked belatedly.

“I think my novel has been infiltrated by plot worms,” The author replied slowly, frowning at the magic eight ball sitting on the bed in front of her.  “And I think this is part of my story that has somehow gotten out.”

“And I think you should go to the hospital,” her roommate replied, “Novels do not come to life.  And what the heck is a plot worm anyways?”

“Its like a book worm, only worse.  They eat parts of your plot, and leave parts of other people’s plots in its place.  There have probably been a ton of covert cameos or references to other people’s work already.  Even if I were to catch the darn thing now, the rest of my manuscript would still be riddled with the darn things.”  She groaned, “And its probably changed some of my story too.  I would be willing to bet there are entire scenes that will get cut or inserted because of it…”

At that moment her roommate screamed as a giant worm appeared in the room through another flash of light.

(Back in the novel on mount Linernon  in the old wise guy’s hut)

“Okay, so you are sure that you can track this thing?” Cin asked skeptically as he looked at the blue glowing rodent in front of him.

“Yes, it was a plot worm, no doubt about it.”  Feiskar replied absently, “I can track it quite easily, do not even have to use magic to follow this guy, all we have to do is follow his hole and we will eventually find him.”

“I guess that means that the magic eight ball is not sentient then,” Parry murmered lightly.

“Now, I would not say that,” Cin replied, “It did manage to get snagged by that worm right after the rodent asked its question.  I would still vote that it is sentient, and that it operates on the very fringes of believability.  It will do some amazing things, but when you boil it down, there is always some sort of a logical explanation just inside the realms of rationality.”

Everyone just sort of stared at him.  “Cin,” the squirrel looked at the boy very seriously, “I swear to you, that if you ever say something like that again, I am going feed you to a rabid hamster.  You NEVER try to explain magic.  Ever!  You are just lucky that your statement was flawed.”

“Why not?” Parry asked, curiously, cocking her head to one side in question.

“Because if magic is ever explained rationally, then the magic disappears and no one can ever do that type of magic again.”  The squirrel paused and looked around.  “Well, now that we have that cleared up, it appears that we are ready to go.”

“Then what are we waiting for?” Parry asked impatiently.  “We have to go get it before something happens to it!”

“Oh, no, you are not coming!”  Cin said emphatically, turning to face her, crossing his arms over his chest while he was at it.

“And why not?”  She demanded, putting her hands on her hips and looking defiantly up at him.

“Because you do not have a weapon,” Cin replied just a little too quickly.

“Neither do you,” Parry reminded him wryly. “And I do so have weapons.”

“Those chopsticks do not count!”  Cin exclaimed in exasperation, making a sweeping motion with one arm.

“And why not?”  Parry asked indignantly, “You have never even seen me use them, how come you can judge my ability to fight, but I cannot question yours?”

“My dear lady,” the little squirrel decided to step in and defuse the situation before it got out of hand.  He really did not want to see Cin beaten to a pulp before they had even seen the bad guys.  “Dear lady, perhaps you could go ahead and do as old Olle suggested.  The largest pair of knitting needles in the world might be a little hard to find, and probably are even harder to carry.  You will want a head start on getting used to using them, do you not think so?”  

There was a plea in his voice that touched the girl’s heart.  With a sigh she turned away from Cin and started walking towards the elevator.  “Fine, I shall go in search of the knitting needles, but when I return, we,” She said turning back towards the group, “But when I get back, we are SO going to finish this.”  She pressed the button and waited for the car to come up.  Saeti loped over and sat at her feet, evidently having decided to follow her friend.

“All right, let us get out of here,” Cin muttered as soon as the doors to the elevator had closed with Parry inside.  “I do not want her to change her mind and come running back at the last second.”

“Yes, well, be that as it may, you really need to learn a thing or two about females and their abilities,” The squirrel admonished while stretching.  “Everyone ready?”

“And just what is that supposed to mean?” Cin demanded.  He did not get an answer, however, because at that moment the squirrel poked at a slightly suspicious looking lump of dirt.  Instantly a swirling hole made itself apparent, much to the horror of the two guys.

“All right, jump in,” the squirrel said cheerfully.

“You want us to do what?!”  Cin exclaimed jumping to his feet, his eyes as wide as dinner plates.

“Ahyaint gohin ner,”  Added Absin, looking at the whole dubiously from where he stood a ways back.

“Oh yes you are.”  Somehow the squirrel had gotten behind them.  With a show of strength greater than anything a squirrel had any right to poses, he shoved the two of them into the hole, jumping in after them.  The swirling vortex closed and the room was left empty like it had been.

Inside the worm hole scenes were flashing by.  Cin got to see most of the story again, including his meeting with Parry again, the ride through the woods, her belly dance for him...  “Hey, wait a minute, I do not remember that!”  He exclaimed, pointing to the scene they had just passed.

“It’s the plot worm, boy.” The squirrel admonished severely.  “That has not happened, and likely never will happen, at least not in this novel.  That was probably picked up by the worm in another place entirely and dropped here as it was eating its way through out story.”

They continued through the scenes, getting closer and closer to the beginning of the book.  Finally they saw light ahead, and moments after that they were no longer in the worm’s tunnel, but instead in a relatively small room that was getting rather cramped with two adult men, a squirrel, and two college girls and a boy fighting with a giant worm.

Actually, the fight, if it could really be called that, was going nowhere fast.  One of the girls was spraying the thing with a bottle full of a decidedly pungent substance (Cin thought he could make out the word Febreeze along the side).  The other girl was hitting the worm on the head with a rather large text book.  The boy was sitting on the worm’s back (middle, whatever), trying desperately to keep it from getting away.

“Why does the worm not burrow into the book?” Cin whispered questioningly to the squirrel sitting on his shoulder.

“Can you not read?” The squirrel whispered back, “It is a psychology book.  The worm would fear for its very existence in something like that.  That is why it is an effective weapon.”

“Shuweh ell?” Absin asked, looking upon the rather ridiculous scene before him with a raised eyebrow.

“Probably would not be a bad idea,” the squirrel replied.

And so the three leapt head first into the fight.  Mayhem ensued, ending rather badly for the worm, who found itself stuffed inside the microwave.  Cin would have turned on the thing if he had not detested the sizzling sound of roasting worm.  Turning back he saw the three college students staring at him.

“Um..hello?”  He nervously rubbed the back of his head.  “You would not have by any chance seen a magic eight ball from another dimension lying around anywhere, would you?”

“It is over on my bed,” The red head who had been pounding at the worm with the psychology book replied, nodding her head towards the bed in the corner of the room.

“Ah, thanks,”  Cin grabbed the ball.  “Okay, Feiskar, how do we get back?”

“Well, ordinarily I would say to follow the worms hole,” The grey squirrel replied, “But since the worm has been defeated, I believe that all of the holes have closed.  Or, if they have not closed, they should be somewhat unstable; I would not trust one of them with my life.”

“Arweh suh ‘er?” Absin asked in more than slight concern.

“Oddly enough, no, we are not trapped here,” the squirrel replied with a mysterious smile.

The brunette girl and the boy were staring at this scene blankly, obviously having no clue as to what was happening.  The red head, on the other hand, was sitting on her bed typing away at a little black laptop.  “Almost ready,” She announced, “I just have to finish the part about vanquishing the evil plot worm.”  A few moments later, “Okay, I am done.  Feiskar, I am just going to write you back into the book, right?”

“As much as I hate the Dues Ex Machina-ness of it, yes, go ahead,” the squirrel replied.

“Wait, what is going on here?”  Cin asked with a frown.  It was too late, though, they were already back at the foot of the mountain.  After paying and tipping the valet for holding the horses (a far heftier sum than Cin had anticipated, but then these places always were tourist traps for the unwary), Cin decided to try again.  “Feiskar, what on earth was that that place we went to, who was the girl, and how on earth did we get back here without traveling through a worm hole?”

“Well,” The squirrel said, looking up from the snack of nuts that had suddenly appeared in one of the side saddle bags, “That was the author slash narrator of this book, so I would assume that was where she lives.  And she wrote us back into the book after we disappeared from it.  I also added some nuts when she was not looking.”  The squirrel added with a grin.

Shaking his head, Cin looked around.  Somehow the world looked different from when he had jumped into the worm’s hole.  Suddenly it hit him; it was DARK out.  It had not even been noon when they had departed, and it was well after dark now. Cin had a sickening feeling that it was not even the same day as when they had left.  His suspicions were soon confirmed.

“Well, that is certainly odd,” Feiskar commented, looking up at the sky from his perch on the head of Cin’s horse.

“Wayasi?” Absin asked, turning to look at the sky as well.  Cin, who was a far more conscientious rider than Absin, did not take his eyes from the road in front of them.

“It appears that it is the new moon, but that is impossible.”  The squirrel replied, sounding puzzled.

It certainly was impossible, Cin thought to himself, if it really was the new moon, then their little adventure with the plot worm and the author, which had only taken around half an hour by their reckoning, had wasted half a month of their quest time.  Not a good way to start out, especially when one did not know how long they had before a certain evil little girl took over completely.  Cin shook his head in frustration.  They were going to have to work fast to make up for lost time.  He just hoped that Parry had been having more luck than the rest of them seemed to be.

(What Parry and Saeti have been doing for the past two weeks in novel time)

“This is just too weird,” Parry remarked as they walked out of the dress shop.  “This is the fifth or sixth store we’ve been to that has just given us everything we wanted for free.”  She glanced down into the bag, “And what’s with all the blue?  I mean, I never thought that I looked good in blue, but that seems to be all that they are recommending to me now.” She shook her head, much to the annoyance of the small rabbit that was clinging to her shoulder.

“Would you not do that, please?” It asked in a slightly whiney voice.  “Do you have any idea how hard it is to stay up here when you are moving around like that?”

“Sorry, Aitys,” Parry replied, grinning in embarrassment.

The little rabbit sniffed in an offended manner.  “Sure you are.  You are about as sorry as the dog there.”

“Wolf.” Parry corrected automatically, “But whatever.  What I want to know is where those knitting needles are!  I mean, I have asked in every store we have been to, and they just do not seem to know anything about the largest pair of knitting needles in the world.  I am starting to think that the person at that knitting shop that sent us here did not know anything either.”

Whining, Saeti nuzzled Parry’s hand, her big eyes looking forlornly up at the blue streaked girl.

“She is right,” Aitys interjected, nodding emphatically, “That old lady seemed really sure of herself, and did she not say that she had once wielded-“ The rabbit was cut off by a squeak of horror as a masked figure with a knife hurtled at the trio.

Instantly Parry, well, parried the blow with a knitting needle, protecting both herself and Aitys.  Her opponent was not to be so easily deterred, however, and swung as she passed.  Parry blocked again, sparks flying as the two blades scrapped along one another.  Parry swung away, stabbing one of her needles into the ground to slow herself.  The stranger did a flip and bounced off of a conveniently located wall, landing so that she was somehow facing Parry once more.  For a long moment they stood and stared one another down while a little boy with his fingers in the shape of a box ran around them getting a three hundred and sixty degree view of the coolness (or as cool as a girl fighting with knitting needles could be).  Slowly Parry reached into her belt pouch, pulling out none other than her skein of blue yarn!  To the ends of thread she attached the needles.  She then replaced the yarn in her pouch and turned back to her opponent, who had been waiting patiently with a look somewhere between surprise and amusement on her face.  The amusement was wiped away, however, when the needles started flying.  With expert marksmanships, Parry through the needles, pulling them back to throw again when they were dodged.  The stranger appeared to be hard pressed to keep out of their way.  Finally, though, they saw an opening and quick as a wink cut through the yarn that controlled the needles.  Diving, Parry recovered quickly, turning to face her opponent.

“I will admit that you are good,” The figure conceded, breathing heavily for a moment before gathering her strength to yell.  “You are good, but did you really think you could get away with it?” The attacker demanded as she faced Parry, her knife held in front of her face defensively.  Parry was putting up more of a fight than she had expected.

“Get away with what?”  Parry asked in a confused voice, holding her knitting needles in front of herself.

“Pretending to be one of us!” The masked stranger replied in annoyance, “You cannot just pretend to be one of Bluebeard’s pirates and expect us not to find out about it.  We rule here!  Our word is law, and we know all that goes on!”  The figure struck a pose that was supposed to look heroic, but really looked rather stupid.

“I thought that Bluebeard retired,” Parry replied frowning, “And besides, was there not some sort of requirement to be a part of his crew?”  She looked mildly thoughtful as she tried to remember.

“Why you!  I had hoped I would not have to use this, but it appears that I have no choice,” The stranger pulled out a cloth, “This is the ultimate cleaning rag!” They announced with certainty, “It is so good that it will clean your skin right off!  The only people who are really members of Bluebeard’s crew would be able to survive.”  With that the figure charged, cloth outstretched to literally wipe Parry’s smile off her face.

Parry had other ideas.  With one knitting needle extended she slashed the figures cloth mask right off their face.  The mask fell, revealing a female.  A single drop of blood welled up in the corner of the woman’s mouth.  Everyone paused for a moment, too stunned to go on.  Then the cloth whipped around and made a desperate attempt to scrub the blue marks from Parry’s face (who was extremely confused do to the fact that she still did not know that said blue marks were there at all).

“Why can I not get them to come off?!” The woman exclaimed jumping back.  “I do not understand what you have done that even the ultimate cleaning cloth cannot expose you for the fake you are.” She shook her head in dismay, staring at Parry in some small wonderment.

At the same time, Aitys burst out, “Baga!  Butcher!  You cut her!”

“Of course I cut her, idiot,” Parry retorted, “If you were not on my shoulder, I could probably have done a lot worse than that too.”  She grumbled, rubbing the back of her head with a knitting needle.

Hesitantly the woman raised a hand to her lip, touching it gingerly, then pulling her fingers away to look at the spot of blood on them critically, as if she did not dare believe what her eyes were telling her.  Grimly she looked up at Parry before falling to one knee before her.  “My lady,” She said, bowing her head, “Please forgive me, for I have wronged you.  I presumed that because I had not seen you before that you were not one of the crew, but you proved me wrong just now.  But you are not just one of the crew, you must be the fabled successor that my Captain Bluebeard once spoke of, you are the new captain!”

Parry blinked and would have asked the woman what on earth she was talking about if she had been given half a chance.  The woman, however, grabbed Parry and dragged her off towards a set of docks that had been previously unnoticed by the little group (which is rather surprising, considering the fact that they had a wolf-were with them, but could not be helped).  Soon they were standing before a crew of female pirates (each of whom had a blue mark of some kind somewhere on their face), the pirate who had fought with Parry explaining to all of them who she was.

“I am telling you,” she exclaimed excitedly, “This is the successor that Bluebeard was talking about!”  She looked around, trying to find a single face in the crowd of skeptics that believed her.

“Cut the crap, Edandri,” Someone called out from the back, “You of all people should know you cannot believe everything that people claim.”

“I bet that she would believe me if I claimed to be the successor,” Came another voice, followed by several hearty assents.

“But that is just it,” Edandri, yelled back to the restless crowd, “She did not claim to be the successor, in fact, she probably has absolutely no idea what we are all talking about right now.”

This announcement was met by a stunned and somewhat uncomfortable silence.  Somewhere nearby a cricket chirped, and the face of one of the crew members at the front of the crowd was twitching.  Finally another woman stepped forward.  “Edandri,” She said seriously, gazing blankly at her fellow pirate, “You are an absolute idiot.”  She turned to Parry.  “Well, I suppose since you are here,” she said skeptically as she looked the girl and her companion over, “I suppose that we can give you the successor’s test.”  She sighed.  “Alright, first I need to know your name.”

“Paridomie, but everyone calls me Parry,” was the immediate response.

“Okay, Parry,” The girl said in a bored tone, “What is your quest?”

“To seek out the largest pair of knitting needles in the world,” Parry replied, nodding in a knowing fashion.

Everyone else stared, jolted out of their complacency.  “Alright then,” The girl said with a little uncertainty in her voice, “What is your code?”

“I have a code?” Parry asked in surprise.  If she had known she was going to take a test she might have studied a little bit first.

The crowd gasped and the lead female shook her head.  Parry winced, thinking she had failed horribly until, the woman who had tested her shook her head and grinned.  “Welcome aboard, Captain Paridomie.”

The crowd cheered, Saeti howled, and Aitys squeaked and hid under Parry’s hair.  Parry, however, was left looking more than slightly lost and very, very confused.

“Wait, were you not supposed to give me another test?”  She asked, looking around and wondering if anyone was really listening to her, or if they were all too busy getting ready to party all night long.

“Why do we need another test?”  Edandri asked, proving that she was indeed listening to Parry.

“Well, I am not really sure,” Parry answered, slightly embarrassed at being called out, “I guess three just seems like its pretty standard when you are asked questions like this.”

Edandri shrugged, “And since when are pirates ever standard?” She laughed, “Really, though, there were supposed to be a bunch more questions, but we can never seem to remember them all, so we just shortened it to the ones that most people get wrong when we were giving the full test.”

“So, um, am I really the captain, then, if I did not actually complete the full test?” Parry asked warily.

“Oh yeah,” Edandri answered, grinning, “There’s a spell on the whole process so that only the proper person can actually become the captain.  When you told us that you already had a quest, and that you would do anything to complete that quest, you told us that you would make the perfect pirate captain.”

“But if I already have a quest, why would you want me to be captain?”  Parry asked, scratching her head.

“Well, what pirate captain does not obsess over some treasure?” Edandri answered, her grin growing wider, “I mean come on, if we are not going to be going out in search of that ultimate something or other, then really, what is the point, right?”

“So then you all will help me find the world’s largest pair of knitting needles?” Parry asked hopefully.

Edandri nodded, “As long as you have a quest that needs to be completed, we shall be your crew.”

“Even if I have no idea where on earth I am supposed to find the world’s largest pair of knitting needles?” Parry persisted.

“Would they not be on the Isle of the Knitters?” Edandri asked in a slightly confused voice, as if Parry should have already known about it.

And thus the girl Parry, her faithful companions Saeti and Aitys, and the former crew of Bluebeard the pirate set out together on a wondrous adventure to the Isle of the Knitters that shall be chronicled here, if we have time.

“Wait a minute, what do you mean, ‘If we have time’?!” Saeti demanded from where she was standing at the helm.  “I am working my butt off down here, trying to learn how in the heck you are supposed to run a ship, and you are not going to even say a few words about it?”  She asked in a livid voice.

Well, this chapter is starting to get a little long, and I really thought that it was just about time to get back to what the guys are doing and-

“Oh no you do not!” Parry fumed, “I am working far too hard here to just let you up and skip over what I am doing like that.  Start a new chapter if you want, but you are NOT going to just write me off like that.  You are going to tell everyone about my time on the Isle of the Knitters, and how I battled against the legendary knitting five (who were really down to three since two of the old ladies had died), how I developed my new technique, and even learned a little magic so that I could defeat them and take my place as the rightful heir to the world’s largest pair of knitting needles!”

But did you not just tell them all of that yourself?

“Yes, but you are going to tell them all again, and this time in juicy detail, making me look good.”

And why exactly should I do that?  What is there in this for me?

Suddenly Parry pulled a huge knitting needle from her back and pointed it towards the sky.  “You will be able to keep all of your body parts intact, that is what,” she snarled.

Okay, okay, fine, but this means that I am going to have to insert an entire chapter, and that is going to mess up my numbering system and it is just going to be a pain all around, not-

“Let us get this straight now,” Parry growled, “You put me on this pirate ship, as captain no less, knowing full well that I had no previous experience at sea.  Let us suppose for a moment that I am not the natural at picking up skills that would seem to be therefore necessary.  Let us also suppose that I am working my butt off to learn all of these skills anyways.  If we assume all of this, then we must come to the conclusion that I have not, and currently am not having a fun time on the pirate ship.  Therefore, one should be nicer to me if one does not wish to learn why exactly I am the rightful heir to the needles.”

Um, okay then, I suppose we can continue with Parry’s story.  Right after I find a new hiding spot, that is…

“Good.”